Love and What Now?
Now that kids are back home for the Summer, parents and grandparents have a precious opportunity to give two gifts that are essential to their kids growing into happy, healthy, and productive adults, “unconditional love and chores”. In her book, “How to Raise an Adult”, author and former Stanford dean, Julie Lythcott-Haims argues that more young adults struggle with mental health issues than ever before, largely because too many well-meaning parents are making two mistakes. First, parents are coming up with the plan for their kids (what she calls the “checklisted” childhood). Second, parents are overemphasizing external achievements like getting into the right school instead of focusing on self-efficacy, a trait she believes corresponds with success and wellbeing. Lythcott-Haims defines self-efficacy as the understanding that one’s own actions lead to one’s outcomes. She also states that chores provide a helpful way of connecting a child’s actions, in this case hard work, to their outcomes like the satisfaction of accomplishing something difficult, not to mention a little walking around money.
And What About the Unconditional Love?
Lythcott-Haims goes on to site a very well-known Harvard Study, “Adult Development”, a study that has been ongoing since 1938. The study has shown the strongest predictor of health and happiness to be good relationships, particularly during childhood. So, her own observations about self-efficacy and a very robust Harvard study have led her to emphasize two seemingly unrelated things, love and chores. As a financial professional, I may be biased, but I don’t think you can lovingly teach self-efficacy without teaching the basic economic truths that will contribute to what I’ll call “economic self-efficacy”, or the understanding that one’s own economic actions are the primary driver of one’s economic outcomes.
I’m sensitive to the fact that this message is unpopular, and I’m aware that we live in a time when power centers like large businesses, government officials, and media are happy to pin economic hardship on anything but individual actions so they can offer a cheap solution. I’m also sensitive to the fact that there are countless people who have worked hard, saved diligently, and are still struggling due to personal setbacks, lousy policy, or uncooperative financial markets. I would never discount how difficult it is to take charge of your personal finances, but it’s true, what we do with our time, talent, and money compound over time. It’s also true, as Lythcott-Haims points out, that being unable or unwilling to take charge of the things that are within our control lead to despair.
Here are three important economic truths that unconditional love and chores can help us teach our children. To the extent that our children internalize these truths, they will enjoy greater economic self-efficacy.
1). Their work is the cost of getting the things they need and want.
2). Their ability to work (and earn) is finite.
3). Effectively converting their work into what they need and want will take thought.
We must demonstrate all three of these truths when we’re asking our kids to do chores and demonstrating our unconditional love for them. It’s not enough to say, “Get out there and take care of those weeds!” Chores are an opportunity to teach our kids to come up with goals and look for ways to achieve those goals. They’re also an opportunity to teach patient persistence because as every parent and grandparent knows all too well, things are not going to go according to plan.
Start With a Goal
Goal setting seems to have become a lost art these days. According to Lythcott-Haims, this may be because we’re doing too much of the goal setting for our kids. We talk up the college we want them to attend, and the school system maps out everything they need to accomplish each year. We don’t stop and ask, “What are you excited about these days?” We rarely ask, “What’s it going to take to get there?”
Focusing on what our kids want to pursue is tough. Kids tend to want silly things, and change their minds constantly, but it’s important to be patient because wanting silly things is just part of being a kid (though we adults can struggle with this too). I’ll be honest, being the only guy in a house with my wife and our 5 girls, their interests are a complete mystery to me --but that’s the unconditional love part. Unconditional love says, “I don’t understand you, but I love you… and I want to help you get where you want to go.” So, even though it feels like we’re loving our kids when we tell them they need to join a club or learn an instrument, it’s important to let them practice dreaming and come up with goals.
After you’ve helped your child identify what they want, ask them what they can to do be helpful and earn some money. They’ll need a little guidance to make sure the chore is age appropriate and even remotely helpful, but don’t skip this step. It’s absolutely critical because it links their ability to add value through their own unique skills to getting what they want.
Once you have a goal and a series of tasks for your child to complete, you can expect swift and steady progress… err, wait, no, that’s not right. Once you have a goal and a series of tasks, you can expect tons of distractions, excuses, the occasional bad attitude, and the joy of repeating yourself 10,000 times. In our house, my wife and I refer to this phenomenon as “system breakdowns” and what we’ve come to realize is these moments are an opportunity to teach. Our kids aren’t born knowing how simultaneously hard and rewarding work can be. If your youngster is having trouble completing tasks or doing helpful work, it’s an opportunity to ask questions like, “Are you having trouble with this?” or “Are you still excited about what you’re working towards?” so you can help them come up with strategies for staying focused or being more efficient.
I’m afraid I don’t have a “hack” to make this simple or easy. The only advice I can offer is start small, be patient, and when you (eventually) see growth in your child, let them know right away. The thing to remember is that “system breakdowns” aren’t disruptions to teaching and loving your kids, they are the process of teaching and loving your kids.
Finally, there’s one more thing I should emphasize: Allowing your kids to do more around the house is going to mean your house is not going to be as well cared for as you would like. Half of your lawn won’t be edged, or the dishes won’t be rinsed before being put in the dishwasher. With our kids, there have been moments when we have been utterly amazed at what our kids will do or not do, but my wife and I have come to accept that occasional “grossness” is the cost of raising hardworking girls.
Don’t Forget the Cash
Once you’ve helped your kids develop a goal and have mapped out the chores they’ll need to complete (with all kinds of “system breakdowns” along the way), it’s time to show them the money. While you don’t need to pay your kids for every chore they do (sometimes doing chores is just part of being a member of a family), it’s important to give them cash promptly so they can experience the positive outcome of their work in a meaningful way. While there are some great apps out there to help kids learn to manage money digitally, I strongly recommend you start with cash even though it’s less convenient, because it connects their hard work with a positive outcome. Cash also has the added benefit of teaching your kids that money is a store of value. Their work was valuable, so you gave them your valuable cash in return. Using cash instead of an app can also help your kids develop money management skills.
By money management skills, I just mean allocating resources in a way that supports what their trying to accomplish. Early on, the goal is to teach your kids to count what they have, then you can help them divide it up in a way that’s meaningful to them. If you’re starting while your child is kindergarten age, which is ideal, I recommend keeping things as simple as possible: What are we going to spend now and what are we going to save towards our goal? For example, if you paid your kindergartner $10, you might have them count out eight dollars for their goal, place it in a jar, and take the other two dollars to the corner store so they can buy a treat. After your child gets used to that process and matures a bit, you can add two more jars so every time they get paid, you can help them add a little to the savings category, a little to the spending category, and a little to the giving category. I recommend jars because it allows you to put the money on top of the fridge, in plain sight but out of reach. This process gives them a basic skillset they can apply to more complex situations as teenagers and young adults. Instead of spending money on candy and saving for a Nintendo game, they’ll be making decisions about how much to spend on going out, how much to set aside for gas and so on. Who knows, maybe someday they’ll use these skills as a business executive making complex decisions about how much to spend on marketing, salaries, business development and so on.
Conclusion
The Author of “How to Raise an Adult” Lythcott-Haims is on to something. Self-efficacy is an important aspect of our wellbeing, but since money touches every single part of our lives, it’s impossible to achieve self-efficacy without an understanding of basic economics. By helping our kids come up with goals and giving them our valuable dollars in exchange for their valuable work, we’re teaching them that work is how they reach for the things they need and want. We’re also teaching them that work is strangely hard and rewarding all at the same time. After we’ve exchanged dollars for work, we have the privilege of teaching them how to think about how converting their money into the things they need and want so they can eventually do the very adult work of determining how to apply their limited resources to pay rent, save for a home or build a secure retirement. All of which will lead to a clear understanding of how their economic inputs (work, saving, and spending) are the primary driver of their economic outputs, leading to happier, more resilient, and more successful adults.